apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
