she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
