dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
