mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
