Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
