Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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