This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
