The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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