You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
