I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
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