I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
