ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
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