You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
