it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
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