I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
