He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
