Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
