saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
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