If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
