I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Randomize
