You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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