I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Randomize
