Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
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