If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
