if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Randomize
