I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
40s are totally the cure
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
