Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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