He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
