why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
