even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
