he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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