I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Randomize
