At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Randomize
