I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
