omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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