I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
