hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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