if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Boobs are out for the taking
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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