dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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