I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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