my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
