Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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