I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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