Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
