Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
