Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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