i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
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