Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
