Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
