I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
